A 5th Grader Talks About the King of Rock 'n' Roll

Elvis Presley, for those who don't know, is a popular rock and roll singer. He lives in Memphis, Tennessee, in a big house with his parents. He has been in many movies and when he sings, people get excited. He sings songs like "Hound Dog," "Don't Be Cruel," "Jailhouse Rock" and, my momma's favorite, "Picious Minds." He's called the King of Rock 'n' Roll. Also, Old Chairman of the Board, or something.

He's on the $1 dollar bill, so I think maybe he was president when he was in the 1950's. I found a song on the Innernet that says Elvis is Everywhere.

That's pretty good of a song. My dad wrote a song about Elvis that's kind of mean. It's called "Worms Ate His Brain" and it's about how Elvis was supposably dead and how my dad made fun of him. My dad, geez.

Today Elvis is 135 years old. Or wait, no. He was born in 1935. So he's 68, I think. Anyway, he's old but he wears a white suit and boots and has recorded albums with bands including the Attractions, the Jordanaires, the TCB Band and even played baseball with the Texas Rangers.

Some guy named Dave Brigham wrote a book that's about the Elvis Presley Boulevard Inn. And getting drunk in a bar near there. And he went to Graceland, which is where Mr. Presley lives. If you're weird and want to read that book, you can see it in the Innernet.

The Grand Dragon Will See You Now

I have a simple question for you:

When was the last time you were in a Mexican restaurant/bar in Athens, Georgia, shooting pool and chewing the fat with your friends, surrounded by a mix of college students and hipsters and working-class folks and feeling, as a Yankee, maybe just a little bit out of place, talking about kudzu and the red dirt that seemed to be everywhere, and wondering where you might park your van for the night in a strange city, and when the hell are we all going to the 40 Watt Club, and speculating about where to go next on your aimless road trip across America, when out of the blue the bartender -- a nice guy named Vern -- mentioned matter-of-factly that there was a Ku Klux Klan rally just a few miles outside of town?

Part of me wishes that, when that opportunity arose for me in March 1988, I had driven out to see those robed degenerates spouting their hateful bullshit. Sure, I would've been scared to get close, but also fascinated. Read about that incident in my new memoir, Great/Dismal: My Four-Month Tour of Duty on the Battleship Patchouli.

Get Off the Bus!

The summer after I graduated from college, I read Jack Kerouac's On the Road and thought that Dean Moriarty was the coolest, wildest dude and that hanging out with him would be a non-stop carnival of insane adventure and mind-expanding conversation. He talked and talked and talked about all sorts of way-out ideas, took Sal Paradise (Kerouac's alter ego) to parties, listened to jazz like it was the most amazing thing on Earth and just burned burned burned.

This, I thought, is what I want to do: go on a cross-country trip that is full tilt all the way, meet new people, live on the edge, learn about new places, experience danger. You can read about how my expectations measured up to reality in my new memoir, Great/Dismal: My Four-Month Tour of Duty on the Battleship Patchouli.

As for Dean Moriarty -- known in real life as Neal Cassady -- I learned many years later that he was the kind of human firework who is fun to read about, but not for a guy like me to hang out with. He was a complicated guy who had a messed-up upbringing, sure. And he influenced Kerouac's writing style and featured not only in his books, but in the poetry of Allen Ginsberg. He was one of those characters we all meet on occasion in our lives, who seem like they walked off a movie screen because they're just so manic and funny and smart and loveable and frustrating and selfish that it's hard to believe somebody didn't create them on a written page.

But I would've tired of his shenanigans very quickly if he'd somehow been reincarnated and stuck his thumb out along the highway west from Oklahoma to New Mexico, looking for a ride that would've quickly turned into him taking the wheel and commandeering the conversation and putting my introverted ass into a tizzy. See for yourself, below.